[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”