[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
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I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.