Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
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*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me