@trojansauce

[first day of judge school]
ME: bang the gavel?i hardly know the gavel
TEACHER: *maintains eye contact & crosses something out on clipboard*

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@GibJimson

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

@QwertyJones3

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

@boring_as_heck

[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit

@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.

@TimfromDa70s

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

@Gen22

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

@DBMaxP

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt