[first day of judge school]
ME: bang the gavel?i hardly know the gavel
TEACHER: *maintains eye contact & crosses something out on clipboard*

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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.


This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!


[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit


The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.


I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.


McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.


According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt