[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

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Holy shit.

My daughter found something on her own.

Am I done? Is she raised now?


this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him


Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”


I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.


Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M


Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.


[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ?


[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this