My daughter found something on her own.
Am I done? Is she raised now?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
And shoot enemies ?
me: son, your mother’s in hospital
son: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this