First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
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Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt