First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.