First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

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Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?


Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!


You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook


“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru


DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”


I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?


It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb



Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy


If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.


I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.