@eff_yeah_steph

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

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@skittle624

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

@YSylon

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

@patrickmarkryan

You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook

@SeiYoung83

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

@ojedge

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

@CouchPotShots

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

@Jenn_H_Scott

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

@notacroc

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

@Breadery

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

@ohheyohhihello

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.