The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
[First day of prison]
“Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?”
Sure, I’ll call you. Just give me your cell number
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear
Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..
Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!
om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?