@Ristolable

[First day of prison]
“Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?”
Sure, I’ll call you. Just give me your cell number
*gets stabbed*

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@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

@PaperWash

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

@TimmyPumpkin

*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.

@Contwixt

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

@bingowings14

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

@IvoryGazelle

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

@iamspacegirl

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

@SethMacFarlane

I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.