the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[First day of prison]
“Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?”
Sure, I’ll call you. Just give me your cell number
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Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
how can people flip houses? they’re so heavy
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.