Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
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I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
at ease…shoulder.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
OH. COME. ON.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds