[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
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I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Smooooooth
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
taking June’s advice to heart
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*