First day of school and 8’s teacher has already sent a note home with him: “You dropped your son off at the wrong school.”

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Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?


Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful


A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.






Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES


game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]


me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”


Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.


My cats are building a guillotine in the basement. It doesn’t have to be for me, it could be for anyone *nervously fills their bowls with the good kind of cat food*


My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off