@TheAlexNevil

First day of school and 8’s teacher has already sent a note home with him: “You dropped your son off at the wrong school.”

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@jimmytorosian

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

@AmberTozer

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

@Snarfernini

A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.

@DadZZZasleep

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

@electrolemon

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

@arcadeseals

me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”

@JasonLastname

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

@SlothSlouch

My cats are building a guillotine in the basement. It doesn’t have to be for me, it could be for anyone *nervously fills their bowls with the good kind of cat food*

@mom_ontherocks

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off