My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
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Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’ll be mad as hell!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.