[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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HOW DARE YOU
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.