*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Canadian owl: Eh?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
screw you
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
me hitting on a model
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?