[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
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“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.