[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

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[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome


me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine


It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?


wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes


I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.


First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.


The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.


Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.


Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?


Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?