HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
You Might Also Like
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Call me old-fashioned but I think a woman should use her mouth for its intended purpose: for carrying her babies as cats carry their kittens
So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.