@TheHyyyype

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

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@G_Faylor

[blind date]

HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*

@kelkulus

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

@KeetPotato

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

@therealeatwood

Call me old-fashioned but I think a woman should use her mouth for its intended purpose: for carrying her babies as cats carry their kittens

@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

@mommajessiec

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

@faisaladam_

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

@ClichedOut

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

@TheAndrewNadeau

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.