[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
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What the hell happened in there??
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…