[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
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‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.