[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

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birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn


I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings


*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.


A woman was arrested when her boyfriendโ€™s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?


Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.


Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.


Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.


Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean


Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?