@IndecisiveJones

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

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@casualafro

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

@kavoinooi

I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings

@meghaffer

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

@KlMBERLY_

A woman was arrested when her boyfriendโ€™s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

@OneFunnyMummy

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

@lawrence_bear

Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

@shawnries

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

@KimmyMonte

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

@badbanana

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?