@SlothSlouch

*First day undercover as a teen at the local college*
Me: How about them woke baes?
Them: What?
Me: Big mood bruh it’s lit so savage salty.
Them: Are you having a stroke mister?
*In a panic I start to twerk*

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@AmishPornStar1

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

@jokeymcjokeface

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

@inmyimage007

I’m a succubus but instead of sexual acts I lure you with my awkwardness and instead of stealing your soul, I steal your tacos

@stevevsninjas

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

@wolfpupy

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

@mellimelle

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

@tsm560

Your tweets remind me of a Rubik’s Cube. I can’t figure those out either

@AmericanGent69

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling