*First day undercover as a teen at the local college*
Me: How about them woke baes?
Them: What?
Me: Big mood bruh it’s lit so savage salty.
Them: Are you having a stroke mister?
*In a panic I start to twerk*

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Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.


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[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.


heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists


The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.


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Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling