[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
everyone has that one prude friend
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
When a shoelace touches your ankle
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.