[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
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This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?