@capnwatsisname

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

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@EvilHarpy

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

@ForgetTheMoose

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

@WilliamRodgers

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

@baronvonbike

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

@ArfMeasures

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

@aissalanis

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

@stanleybehrman

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?