[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

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Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*


Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so


“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…


Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.


ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me


Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.


Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.


Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.


Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?