[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
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I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Dolls on drugs
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Meow
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase