@OctopusCavemann

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

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@ClichedOut

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

@dubiousgenius

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

@CheryeDavis

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

@Faceyspace

HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE.

@GreenishDuck

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

@_davidlucas_

*Buying flowers*

Sales girl: Would you like the receipt?

Me: Sure! If they don’t work, I’ll be bringing them back.

@cowyfwame

I just don’t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

@LuvPug

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

@Shade510

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control