HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”
11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”