[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

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[takes tylenol and goes about the day]


[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim


Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?


Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.


Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.


*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.


a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans


Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year


[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry


English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language


Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”