@KWalps

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

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@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?

ME: I’m very self-lubricated

INT: You mean self-motivated?

ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo

@Bossyboots333

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

@heat_packingDr

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

@pinupteacher

[blind date]

“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”

*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.

@rebrafsim

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

@SladeWentworth

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

@AnkCoupleTO

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

@LizerReal

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

@KraftDinerr

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.