[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Put this video in the Louvre
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.