INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?
ME: I’m very self-lubricated
INT: You mean self-motivated?
ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”
*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I only say “I love you” to
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.