[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.