me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
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ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???