[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
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Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Spotted in New Orleans.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide