@HansGrubertron

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

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@TheNYAMProject

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

@DaddyJew

Me: *passes out pizza*

3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2

Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*

3: wow, thank you

@joeljeffrey

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

@msevilroyslade

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

@ComeHome4Dinner

*pulls shirt back down*

I guess I don’t understand what a flash mob actually is.

@jannable9

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

@turdfailure

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

@Reverend_Scott

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.