“Are you ready to rock?”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
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Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Me: *passes out pizza*
3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2
Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*
3: wow, thank you
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*pulls shirt back down*
I guess I don’t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
2/Stop for no reason
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.