[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Pat is about to own someone
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
me irl
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Great Canadian literature.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Not today, today.
Not today.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.