“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
*gets down on one knee*
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.