First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
You Might Also Like
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.