FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
me irl
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.