Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
PLEASE SEND HELP
I STOPPED BUYING AVOCADOS AND NOW I AM DROWNING IN COINS AND KEYS TO VARIOUS PROPERTIES I OWN
OH GOD IS THIS HOW I DIE
Judge: how do you plead?
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.