*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

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me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it


[at a farm]

Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles

Sheep: Look I got a new “hairdo”

Chicken: Cool I didn’t want to know any of my children anyway


Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.


Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.


Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.


Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.


Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.


Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.


ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!


ME: Store credit, then?