*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
🙋♀️
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.