@pittdave13

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

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@TheHyyyype

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

@KissabiX

[at a farm]

Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles

Sheep: Look I got a new “hairdo”

Chicken: Cool I didn’t want to know any of my children anyway

@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.

@iresurfaced

Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.

@MikeDrucker

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

@Hormonella

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

@simoncholland

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

@jollyrobber

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

@chloethesiren

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?