@pittdave13

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

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@Camel_Crushin

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

@marinhubka

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

@FU_TangClan

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

@ndchiappini

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

@plumbur

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

@Kryzazy

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

@SICKOFWOLVES

PLEASE SEND HELP

I STOPPED BUYING AVOCADOS AND NOW I AM DROWNING IN COINS AND KEYS TO VARIOUS PROPERTIES I OWN

OH GOD IS THIS HOW I DIE

@Elizasoul80

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

@jonnysun

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

@BuckyIsotope

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.