FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

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me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling


Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781


Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.


My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.


Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers


[boyfriend goes by]
[boyfriend goes by]
[boyfriend goes by]

-me breaking up w/ my boyfriend at the carousel


I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.


Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes


HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.


A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.