@seamussaid

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

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@Shen_the_Bird

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

@ShtFatGirlsSay

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

@RorynotRoy

Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.

@unmehlievable

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

@prufrockluvsong

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

@Sassafrantz

I THINK
[boyfriend goes by]
YOU’RE TOO
[boyfriend goes by]
YOUNG FOR ME
[boyfriend goes by]

-me breaking up w/ my boyfriend at the carousel

@WHEREISWALTJNR

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

@pleatedjeans

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

@TheMichaelRock

HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.

@timdonakowski

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.