Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
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*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
#SuperBowl
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?