*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded