First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.