FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
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Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Actually cracking up @ this
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.