[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
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Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Oh hi lol
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?