@ShortSleeveSuit

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

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@c12h22o11balls

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@Cpin42

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

@torahhorse

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

@TheQuietPsycho

When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up

@ThugRaccoons

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

@TedOfficialPage

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

@Playing_Dad

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.