The glory of fall.
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Oh deer
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Can’t. About to go please some beans
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone