[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit