If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
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I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
smartest karate player in the world
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.