Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.