First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
welp
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
beware of dog
(jukin media)
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you