first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Spa day..😅
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.