First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”