First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
awkward
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.