@MumInBits

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

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@NaughtyZippo

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

@Donna_McCoy

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

@PimpBillClinton

Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.

@ArfMeasures

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

@SortaBad

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

@JulieSnark

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

@omerwahaj

Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing?

Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.

@theshamingofjay

“Sit”
dog sits

“Down”
dog lays down on floor

“Play Dead”
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.