I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Crush: what’s your zodiac sign?
*he’s not sure but he wanted to impress her so he said,
Guy: you first 🙂
Crush: I’m Cancer ☺ And you?
Guy: uhmmm… I’m…. Ulcer 🙄
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog