Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
You Might Also Like
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing?
Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.
dog lays down on floor
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.