“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested