*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…

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*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*


HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.


Dear police: if you’re going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he’s in the matrix


(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family


I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly


There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus


And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.


Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.