*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
You Might Also Like
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Whisper out to librarians!
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Me irl
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”