@alexlumaga

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

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@Token_Geezer

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

@SirEviscerate

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

@treywafer

Dear police: if you’re going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he’s in the matrix

@ch000ch

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

@dumbbeezie

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@simoncholland

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

@TheGrimKing

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.