First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
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Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
SF is the wild wild west man
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did