First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
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Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Every haunted house movie:
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
do mermaids get waxed or descaled