First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

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Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.


ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature


[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon


Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”


[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died


Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.


The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.


My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.


Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.


when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap