@WilliamAder

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

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@PinkCamoTO

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

@rockymomax

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

@CornOnTheGoblin

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

@Cpin42

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

@MarfSalvador

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

@krisv_723

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

@NotthatAdamWest

The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.

@LostFelicia

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

@rosannecash

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

@flashember

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap