@WilliamAder

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

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@JeffMyspace

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

@markedly

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

@daniel_shaw

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

@robdelaney

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentineโ€™s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

@English_Channel

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

@ThyArtIsMemes

I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster

@longwall26

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

@Procaffinator

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

@simoncholland

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.