First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal