[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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COP: drop the gun
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Like The Purge but everyone is tryin to murder Tim Allen & become the next Santa. Pls donate on kickstarter so I can finally feed my family.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
What’s your order of coolest position in a band?
I think it goes…
2. Lead guitarist
7. Social media guy
8. Clothing designer
9. Drug dealer
12. Toilet cleaner
My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he’s brain dead