My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
You Might Also Like
[first day as a serial killer]
Victim: you ok?
Me: there’s just so much blood
My kid just told me that when I yell for her to come to the kitchen I need to yell gently. Wish me luck in figuring out what that should sound like.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you’re interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say “spaghetti”
chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you
me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis
Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep.
Check on sleeping baby.
Can’t hear breathing…prod sleeping baby