[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.