[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog


COP: drop the gun


COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no


I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.


My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.


Like The Purge but everyone is tryin to murder Tim Allen & become the next Santa. Pls donate on kickstarter so I can finally feed my family.


Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!


HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.


What’s your order of coolest position in a band?

I think it goes…

1. Singer

2. Lead guitarist

3. Drummer

4. Manager

5. Roadie

6. Groupie

7. Social media guy

8. Clothing designer

9. Drug dealer

10. Accountant

11. Catering

12. Toilet cleaner

13. Bass


My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he’s brain dead