[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

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My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.


[first day as a serial killer]

Victim: you ok?

Me: there’s just so much blood


My kid just told me that when I yell for her to come to the kitchen I need to yell gently. Wish me luck in figuring out what that should sound like.


It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.


ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels


I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.


Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.


Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you’re interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say “spaghetti”


chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you

me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis


Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep.

Check on sleeping baby.

Can’t hear breathing…prod sleeping baby